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How did you cope?

A sensitive issue that not many people like to talk about but I hope that this post might help some people or help me to understand as I had never even thought about this until it unfortunately happened to a number of my friends when they were a few days away from their due date or just after they given birth - they lost a close relative.

Since writing this post @AlliMarshall contacted me and said that since reading this post she was now ready to write a post about sadly losing her mum when she was 7 months pregnant. I have just read her incredible post and I am so grateful that she is happy for me to share it with you too.

I just wondered how you cope with all the emotions as you must be on an emotional rollercoaster, so sad about the loss but excited and happy about the birth of your baby. Would you feel guilty for feeling happy when you are sad? Are you angry? Do you find time to grieve? Did it affect the bond you had with your baby? I would be very grateful if you could share your stories if they aren't too painful for you to do so.

I remember losing a very close friend who was like a granddad to me, Tillie had just turned one and he died a few days after her first birthday, I called him My Roy. He was he nicest person you could ever meet, I thought the world of him, he had been poorly with cancer and towards the end we knew there was nothing that could be done. I was absolutely gutted, I saw him every day, all I wrote about in my baby record book was about how excited I was to show My Roy Tillie when she was born, he was the first person I took her to see when we got home, he lived a few doors away from the pub and I looked out for him and his wonderful wife every day even if it was just a wave it cheered us all up. I took his death really badly, I remember as upset as I was I had a little ray of sunshine who cheered me up every time I felt down, Tillie was there to put a smile on all of our faces. I remember sobbing at the funeral but seeing her beautiful happy smiling face without a care in the world seemed to make things a whole lot more bearable. Plus I have built up a wonderful friendship with My Roy's son and daughter in law, we love to sit and chat about the good times and happy times. It has helped me a lot to be in close contact with his lovely family, we got each other through some really tough times and can now sit and giggle at funny stories and happy memories. It is almost as if I have gained another family and I know that is just how My Roy would have wanted it to be.

My nan died last Friday, she was such a happy lady and lived to be 90, she was very funny and a character that will be sadly missed, unfortunately she had dementia and didn't really know who I was and hadn't done for a few years but my mum did everything for her and loved every second, my nan was completely dependent on my mum. But even as sad as my mum is, having Tillie around makes her laugh so much, a child seems to brighten up the darkest moments and I think that is so precious.

Thank you for reading, I just hope that maybe we can share stories that might help others going through a tough time.


  1. You've inspired me to write what will no doubt be my hardest blog!

  2. when i was in hospital giving birth to ggg triplets, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. her death came shortly after that of my mother in law and a dear friend of 20 years who had worked with us to set up a business. all died of cancer. our friend and business partner was aged in his 40s.

    grief takes every person in different ways and there is no one way to cope.

    i knew i would need time away from the triplets to deal with the family, the tears, the travel, the heartache and sadness. i did not want to be the weeping angry person with my own children.

    we hired help five days a week for 9 months while everyone died. really, i could not afford to do that, so 1) i assessed the costs against other forms of child care and child minding for three babies and chose the most cost effective option between them; 2) i treated the consequent overdraft as a loan that would be repaid in the future against other income.

    i think the only tip then i have is to always think ahead, try and imagine, then plan for the worst case scenarios and, in this way, you can take some control of events around you. feeling completely overtaken and overwhelmed by events and impossibly out of control is not healthy if you have a demanding and crying baby to look after too.

    did it help me? dunno. nothing seems to when a mother dies, does it?


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